Easter Reflection: So Close Yet So Far Away

Yes blog, I'm back. I'm sure you've noticed the sudden surge in the frequency of my blog entries.

This morning, I was at my aunt's place to celebrate Easter. Both of my cousins (daughters of my aunt) are still living with her albeit this time with their respective husbands and kids. It was refreshing to see those little tykes move around and play on such a bright and sunny morning. Their innocence reminded me of days gone by when all I had to worry about was if my Dad was going to scold me for breaking his beloved trophy. Seeing those toddlers play in the pool and under the sun definitely put a smile on my face before I had any idea of what was going on.

And then it hit me. I realized that the princess is also having a nice morning like this, most likely with the presence of her boyfriend. Her boyfriend... the man who has won the princess' heart, a man who has been accepted by her family for the last two years... a man who's not only accepted but definitely a part of the princess' family by now. It's no surprise that they might be having plans about settling down.

Again, I ask myself: can I really go down to the level of the very people that I used to hate so that I may have a shot at my own happiness? Am I willing to become so selfish that I'd go as far as destroying a perfectly healthy relationship? Just because I was denied a long time ago of experiencing something like what my cousins are living at the moment certainly doesn't give me the right to deny other people a similar happy scenario. Granted that I never wanted to do this as revenge for the crap that I went through before, the end result is still the same thing: I destroyed someone else's happiness to further my own.

Common sense and logic dictates that I end it all now with the princess. What better timing to silently slip away than when she and her family are about to go on vacation abroad? But, just like what I said in a previous blog entry, things, as far as a love-struck heart is concerned, aren't that simple.

I'm irritated at myself for not being able to control myself. In spite of knowing that she has a boyfriend, I still couldn't help it being close to her. And yet, at the end of the day, I still end up denying myself of furthering my own emotional happiness. I can't do it. I can never go down to the level of the very people that I once hated. I will just have to live through this painful yet sweet feeling of being so close yet so far from the woman who, unknown to her, now owns my heart. The obvious answer , no compromise for my situation, would be of course to wait for my turn to dance with the princess. But what if my turn never comes? Until the day cupid decides to give me a princess or a queen that I can definitely call my own without any hesitation, I will just have to be content being her knight, a loyal retainer whom she trusts her life and secrets with, and not as her prince - that man whom she definitely gave her heart to at this time.

Perhaps, this is just something painfully sweet that I have to experience so that I may know what the people who I used to hate were going through. Perhaps, after denying myself for so long and looking down on people who allowed themselves to be carried away by their emotions, I also had to experience this so that I may be reminded how it is to be in love and how precious it is.

I know where I stand. I will still stay by the princess' side as her close friend, retainer and confidant. I will continue to stay that way until  fate decides to let me have someone to call my own or maybe even have a chance to dance with the princess.

To be able to dance alone with the princess... Such a nice and pleasant albeit near-impossible possibility...

Lent 2011

Oh hello blog. Yes, you guessed it right. It's that time of the year again when people slow down and reflect.

Hn? I always slow down and reflect you say? Not as much as I used to before 2010, my dear beloved blog. So.. now that's aside, here are some of the things that I wish to share to you.

Career
While I can't say all is finally well and that I am settled with my work, I must say that moving into sales and working with SMDC (SM Development Corp.) has been the best move so far. It's with SMDC that I got to finally grow both professionally and personally. It is with this company that I got to find new friends. Friends whom I can consider as either my brothers or sisters from different mothers. It is with SMDC that I got to stand up again. Where I was finally able to let get go of the past. To really forgive people who were once my enemies but to never forget the lessons that I've learned. It is with the people who I work with here that I learned how to smile and simply be happy.

I do have to admit that I'm currently frustrated with my performance in spite of the fact that I'm already over-quota for my current contract. The old me would've been ecstatic about my feat. But what I'm after right now is consistency. I have no plans of being a "one hit wonder". I do admit that I'm happy as to where I am now but I want to be better. To symbolically put it, I'm tired of flying at low-level, near the ground; I want to be flying up high in the sky to where Icarus melted his wax wings and fell; to be at that place where I could be seen dancing with the angels.

I know I could do it and I have to do it soon.


Family
Well, what can I say? Granted that there are still a few disagreements here and there but so far, things have been going great. I no longer see my home as a weary draggy place. Though I have to admit that my parents' over-protectiveness can be very irritating at times, it's their way of showing love and affection and for crying out loud, I'm quite lucky to know that my parent's still do care. And now for the last category that I will be writing in this blog entry...


Princess
Yes blog. You know it. Your virtual ears are practically bleeding with every mention of her. You get irritated with how gentle my typing becomes with the mere mention of her. Deal with it. Anyway, I find it funny how things fall into place. I mentioned to you previously that I was finally able to say good-bye (for good) to my past during the UST Quad-Centennial Celebration. Little did I know that two weeks from that date, I would get to meet the Princess. I call this wonderful lady "Princess" because she literally grew up to be a pampered brat so to speak. Who knew that within a span of a few months, I would become her confidant, her retainer, her "best friend" in the office? Yes blog, I know that she has a boyfriend. Which makes my situation quite... ironic... You dear blog, of all people should know that for the last couple of years, I was hostile to people who either let a third party infiltrate their relationship or be a third party themselves. Now... I'm walking that very thin red line of being a best friend and being an idiot. And for all of my self-righteous rage in the past, I couldn't even control my heart now... Which was something I took pride of before.

I have no idea why but recently, for no reason at all, the Princess' buddies would tell her that they saw me in the vicinity and that if the Princess is nowhere in sight, her own buddies would tell me where she is even though I didn't ask about her... Is there really something going on between me and the Princess? If there is, is it becoming that obvious to people? I have to admit that it's been a very long time since I've felt like this. It's actually been a very long time since I've felt really "happy" in this department, wrong as the situation may be. To quote a college friend of mine who was able to read a number of my blog entries related to the Princess: "RB, I've got to meet this girl. I've never seen you this tortured, this crazy before... Not even Azy was able to do that you." I still have no plans of abandoning my principles of not being a third party... But now I realize why some people, people who had a track record for being good, straight-laced and whatnots, suddenly do the unthinkable all in the name of their heart's happiness.

Well blog, this is pretty long for a blog entry but do cut me some slack. I've got a lot of things to attend after the Holy Week's been said and done and this is the only time I can mull over the things that have been happening to me lately.

A Little Too Well

A Little Too Well
Inspired by the song “Getting to Know Each Other” by Ariel Rivera

I call you and you call me
Girl: Still up?
Boy: Yeah, sup?

It's funny how we get on so easily
Girl: “Help...” :3
Boy: “… ok, I’m on my way…” =_=;

We're just friends aren't we?
Girl: “Brad, I beat you to the office by 15mins and I already made a round trip through Merville and back at the office.”
Boy: “You do know how life is at the MRT, right?”
* Girl and boy high five and laugh together

You've got yours, I've got mine
Girl: “I’ll introduce you to my boyfriend.”
Boy: “I have no idea why my buddies seek advice from a guy like me who’s enjoying the single life.”

And friends are all we ever could be
Girl: “Do you know what my boyfriend does when he knows he’s committed a sin?”
* Boy laughs at girl’s story.

(But) We're getting to know each other a little too well
(Getting to know each other a little too well)
Girl: “I know you can do it. =)”
Boy: “=) Fine fine, I’ll cook up some magic.”

We're starting to show our feelings and people can tell (Ooh, people can tell)
Boy’s buddy: “Dude, how come you’re always hanging out with her lately?”
Boy: “Hn?”

Every time that your eyes meet mine I light up like a neon sign
* Boy and girl chances upon each other at the hallway; an exchange of smiles ensues

Yes, We're getting to know each other a little too well
(Getting to know each other a little too well...)
Boy: “My boss ordered me to take a day-off.”
Girl: “Good job! Maybe you’re not getting enough rest?”
Boy: “I’m haven’t even taken a breather.”
Girl: “And who’s fault is that?”
Boy: “Uh… Eh… Mine hehe”

We have lunch every now and then
Girl: “I’m at starbucks.”
Boy: “Fine, I’m on my way.”

And I find myself humming love songs again and again...
Boy’s buddy: “Where’s my buddy and what did you do to him? He don’t listen to love songs.”
Boy: “Relax buddy. It IS me.”

Too many nights I'm workin' 'till ten
Boy’s buddy: “Bro, time to pack up the booth. You can always hunt for clients tomorrow. ”
Boy: “Fine, fine...”

And I hope that you know that it's hopeless to go on when...
Girl: “This only proves that I’m better than you!”
Boy: “Meh. I’ll always be luckier than you.”
* Laughter ensues between boy and girl.

We're getting to know each other a little too well
(Getting to know each other a little too well)
Girl: “Apparently when I get excited my voice raises and people think I’m screaming at them”
Boy: “Hahahahaha! That I gotta see hehe”

We're starting to show our feelings and people can tell (Ooh, people can tell)
Girl: “Morning =)”
Boy: “Good morning princess =)”

Every time that your eyes meet mine I light up like a neon sign
* Boy looks off at the distance avoiding looking at girl’s eyes

Yes, We're getting to know each other a little too well
(Getting to know each other a little too well...)
Girl: “Morning! =) I know a lot about you now hahaha”
Boy: “I knew those moron teammates of mine would sing like canaries.” =_=;