Friday, September 9, 2011
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Doing what is right
Hello blog.
Yes, I know, it's been a while... Things have been rather busy these past couple of months since my last post...
What's that? How's the Princess you ask? Well, she and I still close friends. If my life were a sitcom or some similar program, the Princess is one of those newly introduced characters in the story to quickly become a regular in the series for better or for worse. As you can imagine from my last blog entry, I've decided to stop being an asshole so to speak. Yes, I know I'm not getting any younger and that I should start looking for a suitable lifelong partner but my conscience won't let me hear the end of it if it's about the Princess.
I do admit that I still do like her, truth be told, she's somehow managed to carve a special place in my heart without her knowing it... But, sorry for those who wish for me and the Princess to be together but I've decided to do the right thing just as I've written in my last blog entry.
Yes blog, what is it? Can't you let me finish my monologue without interrupting me? Oh, you're asking me if I'm hurting? What do you think? Isn't it obvious? Yes, dear blog. My heart is hurting like there's no tomorrow if you want some clarification. Hn? You're half-expecting me to go to my silent corner and cry like before with that lady who tore my heart apart into a million pieces and flushed it down the lavatory? Sorry buddy but I've already graduated from that. Crying won't get me anywhere just as it hasn't got me anywhere all those years ago. I'd rather stomach whatever pain I'm feeling right now. I'm a masochist you say? Maybe. I guess that's the price I have to pay when I fell for the Princess... Someone who's become so close to my heart yet at the same time so very far away.
Again, as painful as it is, I'm sticking to my guns. I'm sticking to my principles. I'm doing the right thing. I'll still be her friend... I'll still be her retainer and confidant... But I will never do anything to mess up her life or mine.
Yes, I know, it's been a while... Things have been rather busy these past couple of months since my last post...
What's that? How's the Princess you ask? Well, she and I still close friends. If my life were a sitcom or some similar program, the Princess is one of those newly introduced characters in the story to quickly become a regular in the series for better or for worse. As you can imagine from my last blog entry, I've decided to stop being an asshole so to speak. Yes, I know I'm not getting any younger and that I should start looking for a suitable lifelong partner but my conscience won't let me hear the end of it if it's about the Princess.
I do admit that I still do like her, truth be told, she's somehow managed to carve a special place in my heart without her knowing it... But, sorry for those who wish for me and the Princess to be together but I've decided to do the right thing just as I've written in my last blog entry.
Yes blog, what is it? Can't you let me finish my monologue without interrupting me? Oh, you're asking me if I'm hurting? What do you think? Isn't it obvious? Yes, dear blog. My heart is hurting like there's no tomorrow if you want some clarification. Hn? You're half-expecting me to go to my silent corner and cry like before with that lady who tore my heart apart into a million pieces and flushed it down the lavatory? Sorry buddy but I've already graduated from that. Crying won't get me anywhere just as it hasn't got me anywhere all those years ago. I'd rather stomach whatever pain I'm feeling right now. I'm a masochist you say? Maybe. I guess that's the price I have to pay when I fell for the Princess... Someone who's become so close to my heart yet at the same time so very far away.
Again, as painful as it is, I'm sticking to my guns. I'm sticking to my principles. I'm doing the right thing. I'll still be her friend... I'll still be her retainer and confidant... But I will never do anything to mess up her life or mine.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Easter Reflection: So Close Yet So Far Away
Yes blog, I'm back. I'm sure you've noticed the sudden surge in the frequency of my blog entries.
This morning, I was at my aunt's place to celebrate Easter. Both of my cousins (daughters of my aunt) are still living with her albeit this time with their respective husbands and kids. It was refreshing to see those little tykes move around and play on such a bright and sunny morning. Their innocence reminded me of days gone by when all I had to worry about was if my Dad was going to scold me for breaking his beloved trophy. Seeing those toddlers play in the pool and under the sun definitely put a smile on my face before I had any idea of what was going on.
And then it hit me. I realized that the princess is also having a nice morning like this, most likely with the presence of her boyfriend. Her boyfriend... the man who has won the princess' heart, a man who has been accepted by her family for the last two years... a man who's not only accepted but definitely a part of the princess' family by now. It's no surprise that they might be having plans about settling down.
Again, I ask myself: can I really go down to the level of the very people that I used to hate so that I may have a shot at my own happiness? Am I willing to become so selfish that I'd go as far as destroying a perfectly healthy relationship? Just because I was denied a long time ago of experiencing something like what my cousins are living at the moment certainly doesn't give me the right to deny other people a similar happy scenario. Granted that I never wanted to do this as revenge for the crap that I went through before, the end result is still the same thing: I destroyed someone else's happiness to further my own.
Common sense and logic dictates that I end it all now with the princess. What better timing to silently slip away than when she and her family are about to go on vacation abroad? But, just like what I said in a previous blog entry, things, as far as a love-struck heart is concerned, aren't that simple.
I'm irritated at myself for not being able to control myself. In spite of knowing that she has a boyfriend, I still couldn't help it being close to her. And yet, at the end of the day, I still end up denying myself of furthering my own emotional happiness. I can't do it. I can never go down to the level of the very people that I once hated. I will just have to live through this painful yet sweet feeling of being so close yet so far from the woman who, unknown to her, now owns my heart. The obvious answer , no compromise for my situation, would be of course to wait for my turn to dance with the princess. But what if my turn never comes? Until the day cupid decides to give me a princess or a queen that I can definitely call my own without any hesitation, I will just have to be content being her knight, a loyal retainer whom she trusts her life and secrets with, and not as her prince - that man whom she definitely gave her heart to at this time.
Perhaps, this is just something painfully sweet that I have to experience so that I may know what the people who I used to hate were going through. Perhaps, after denying myself for so long and looking down on people who allowed themselves to be carried away by their emotions, I also had to experience this so that I may be reminded how it is to be in love and how precious it is.
I know where I stand. I will still stay by the princess' side as her close friend, retainer and confidant. I will continue to stay that way until fate decides to let me have someone to call my own or maybe even have a chance to dance with the princess.
To be able to dance alone with the princess... Such a nice and pleasant albeit near-impossible possibility...
This morning, I was at my aunt's place to celebrate Easter. Both of my cousins (daughters of my aunt) are still living with her albeit this time with their respective husbands and kids. It was refreshing to see those little tykes move around and play on such a bright and sunny morning. Their innocence reminded me of days gone by when all I had to worry about was if my Dad was going to scold me for breaking his beloved trophy. Seeing those toddlers play in the pool and under the sun definitely put a smile on my face before I had any idea of what was going on.
And then it hit me. I realized that the princess is also having a nice morning like this, most likely with the presence of her boyfriend. Her boyfriend... the man who has won the princess' heart, a man who has been accepted by her family for the last two years... a man who's not only accepted but definitely a part of the princess' family by now. It's no surprise that they might be having plans about settling down.
Again, I ask myself: can I really go down to the level of the very people that I used to hate so that I may have a shot at my own happiness? Am I willing to become so selfish that I'd go as far as destroying a perfectly healthy relationship? Just because I was denied a long time ago of experiencing something like what my cousins are living at the moment certainly doesn't give me the right to deny other people a similar happy scenario. Granted that I never wanted to do this as revenge for the crap that I went through before, the end result is still the same thing: I destroyed someone else's happiness to further my own.
Common sense and logic dictates that I end it all now with the princess. What better timing to silently slip away than when she and her family are about to go on vacation abroad? But, just like what I said in a previous blog entry, things, as far as a love-struck heart is concerned, aren't that simple.
I'm irritated at myself for not being able to control myself. In spite of knowing that she has a boyfriend, I still couldn't help it being close to her. And yet, at the end of the day, I still end up denying myself of furthering my own emotional happiness. I can't do it. I can never go down to the level of the very people that I once hated. I will just have to live through this painful yet sweet feeling of being so close yet so far from the woman who, unknown to her, now owns my heart. The obvious answer , no compromise for my situation, would be of course to wait for my turn to dance with the princess. But what if my turn never comes? Until the day cupid decides to give me a princess or a queen that I can definitely call my own without any hesitation, I will just have to be content being her knight, a loyal retainer whom she trusts her life and secrets with, and not as her prince - that man whom she definitely gave her heart to at this time.
Perhaps, this is just something painfully sweet that I have to experience so that I may know what the people who I used to hate were going through. Perhaps, after denying myself for so long and looking down on people who allowed themselves to be carried away by their emotions, I also had to experience this so that I may be reminded how it is to be in love and how precious it is.
I know where I stand. I will still stay by the princess' side as her close friend, retainer and confidant. I will continue to stay that way until fate decides to let me have someone to call my own or maybe even have a chance to dance with the princess.
To be able to dance alone with the princess... Such a nice and pleasant albeit near-impossible possibility...
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Lent 2011
Oh hello blog. Yes, you guessed it right. It's that time of the year again when people slow down and reflect.
Hn? I always slow down and reflect you say? Not as much as I used to before 2010, my dear beloved blog. So.. now that's aside, here are some of the things that I wish to share to you.
Career
While I can't say all is finally well and that I am settled with my work, I must say that moving into sales and working with SMDC (SM Development Corp.) has been the best move so far. It's with SMDC that I got to finally grow both professionally and personally. It is with this company that I got to find new friends. Friends whom I can consider as either my brothers or sisters from different mothers. It is with SMDC that I got to stand up again. Where I was finally able to let get go of the past. To really forgive people who were once my enemies but to never forget the lessons that I've learned. It is with the people who I work with here that I learned how to smile and simply be happy.
I do have to admit that I'm currently frustrated with my performance in spite of the fact that I'm already over-quota for my current contract. The old me would've been ecstatic about my feat. But what I'm after right now is consistency. I have no plans of being a "one hit wonder". I do admit that I'm happy as to where I am now but I want to be better. To symbolically put it, I'm tired of flying at low-level, near the ground; I want to be flying up high in the sky to where Icarus melted his wax wings and fell; to be at that place where I could be seen dancing with the angels.
I know I could do it and I have to do it soon.
Family
Well, what can I say? Granted that there are still a few disagreements here and there but so far, things have been going great. I no longer see my home as a weary draggy place. Though I have to admit that my parents' over-protectiveness can be very irritating at times, it's their way of showing love and affection and for crying out loud, I'm quite lucky to know that my parent's still do care. And now for the last category that I will be writing in this blog entry...
Princess
Yes blog. You know it. Your virtual ears are practically bleeding with every mention of her. You get irritated with how gentle my typing becomes with the mere mention of her. Deal with it. Anyway, I find it funny how things fall into place. I mentioned to you previously that I was finally able to say good-bye (for good) to my past during the UST Quad-Centennial Celebration. Little did I know that two weeks from that date, I would get to meet the Princess. I call this wonderful lady "Princess" because she literally grew up to be a pampered brat so to speak. Who knew that within a span of a few months, I would become her confidant, her retainer, her "best friend" in the office? Yes blog, I know that she has a boyfriend. Which makes my situation quite... ironic... You dear blog, of all people should know that for the last couple of years, I was hostile to people who either let a third party infiltrate their relationship or be a third party themselves. Now... I'm walking that very thin red line of being a best friend and being an idiot. And for all of my self-righteous rage in the past, I couldn't even control my heart now... Which was something I took pride of before.
I have no idea why but recently, for no reason at all, the Princess' buddies would tell her that they saw me in the vicinity and that if the Princess is nowhere in sight, her own buddies would tell me where she is even though I didn't ask about her... Is there really something going on between me and the Princess? If there is, is it becoming that obvious to people? I have to admit that it's been a very long time since I've felt like this. It's actually been a very long time since I've felt really "happy" in this department, wrong as the situation may be. To quote a college friend of mine who was able to read a number of my blog entries related to the Princess: "RB, I've got to meet this girl. I've never seen you this tortured, this crazy before... Not even Azy was able to do that you." I still have no plans of abandoning my principles of not being a third party... But now I realize why some people, people who had a track record for being good, straight-laced and whatnots, suddenly do the unthinkable all in the name of their heart's happiness.
Well blog, this is pretty long for a blog entry but do cut me some slack. I've got a lot of things to attend after the Holy Week's been said and done and this is the only time I can mull over the things that have been happening to me lately.
Hn? I always slow down and reflect you say? Not as much as I used to before 2010, my dear beloved blog. So.. now that's aside, here are some of the things that I wish to share to you.
Career
While I can't say all is finally well and that I am settled with my work, I must say that moving into sales and working with SMDC (SM Development Corp.) has been the best move so far. It's with SMDC that I got to finally grow both professionally and personally. It is with this company that I got to find new friends. Friends whom I can consider as either my brothers or sisters from different mothers. It is with SMDC that I got to stand up again. Where I was finally able to let get go of the past. To really forgive people who were once my enemies but to never forget the lessons that I've learned. It is with the people who I work with here that I learned how to smile and simply be happy.
I do have to admit that I'm currently frustrated with my performance in spite of the fact that I'm already over-quota for my current contract. The old me would've been ecstatic about my feat. But what I'm after right now is consistency. I have no plans of being a "one hit wonder". I do admit that I'm happy as to where I am now but I want to be better. To symbolically put it, I'm tired of flying at low-level, near the ground; I want to be flying up high in the sky to where Icarus melted his wax wings and fell; to be at that place where I could be seen dancing with the angels.
I know I could do it and I have to do it soon.
Family
Well, what can I say? Granted that there are still a few disagreements here and there but so far, things have been going great. I no longer see my home as a weary draggy place. Though I have to admit that my parents' over-protectiveness can be very irritating at times, it's their way of showing love and affection and for crying out loud, I'm quite lucky to know that my parent's still do care. And now for the last category that I will be writing in this blog entry...
Princess
Yes blog. You know it. Your virtual ears are practically bleeding with every mention of her. You get irritated with how gentle my typing becomes with the mere mention of her. Deal with it. Anyway, I find it funny how things fall into place. I mentioned to you previously that I was finally able to say good-bye (for good) to my past during the UST Quad-Centennial Celebration. Little did I know that two weeks from that date, I would get to meet the Princess. I call this wonderful lady "Princess" because she literally grew up to be a pampered brat so to speak. Who knew that within a span of a few months, I would become her confidant, her retainer, her "best friend" in the office? Yes blog, I know that she has a boyfriend. Which makes my situation quite... ironic... You dear blog, of all people should know that for the last couple of years, I was hostile to people who either let a third party infiltrate their relationship or be a third party themselves. Now... I'm walking that very thin red line of being a best friend and being an idiot. And for all of my self-righteous rage in the past, I couldn't even control my heart now... Which was something I took pride of before.
I have no idea why but recently, for no reason at all, the Princess' buddies would tell her that they saw me in the vicinity and that if the Princess is nowhere in sight, her own buddies would tell me where she is even though I didn't ask about her... Is there really something going on between me and the Princess? If there is, is it becoming that obvious to people? I have to admit that it's been a very long time since I've felt like this. It's actually been a very long time since I've felt really "happy" in this department, wrong as the situation may be. To quote a college friend of mine who was able to read a number of my blog entries related to the Princess: "RB, I've got to meet this girl. I've never seen you this tortured, this crazy before... Not even Azy was able to do that you." I still have no plans of abandoning my principles of not being a third party... But now I realize why some people, people who had a track record for being good, straight-laced and whatnots, suddenly do the unthinkable all in the name of their heart's happiness.
Well blog, this is pretty long for a blog entry but do cut me some slack. I've got a lot of things to attend after the Holy Week's been said and done and this is the only time I can mull over the things that have been happening to me lately.
Friday, April 1, 2011
A Little Too Well
A Little Too Well
Inspired by the song “Getting to Know Each Other” by Ariel Rivera
I call you and you call me
Girl: Still up?
Boy: Yeah, sup?
It's funny how we get on so easily
Girl: “Help...” :3
Boy: “… ok, I’m on my way…” =_=;
We're just friends aren't we?
Girl: “Brad, I beat you to the office by 15mins and I already made a round trip through Merville and back at the office.”
Boy: “You do know how life is at the MRT, right?”
* Girl and boy high five and laugh together
You've got yours, I've got mine
Girl: “I’ll introduce you to my boyfriend.”
Boy: “I have no idea why my buddies seek advice from a guy like me who’s enjoying the single life.”
And friends are all we ever could be
Girl: “Do you know what my boyfriend does when he knows he’s committed a sin?”
* Boy laughs at girl’s story.
(But) We're getting to know each other a little too well
(Getting to know each other a little too well)
Girl: “I know you can do it. =)”
Boy: “=) Fine fine, I’ll cook up some magic.”
We're starting to show our feelings and people can tell (Ooh, people can tell)
Boy’s buddy: “Dude, how come you’re always hanging out with her lately?”
Boy: “Hn?”
Every time that your eyes meet mine I light up like a neon sign
* Boy and girl chances upon each other at the hallway; an exchange of smiles ensues
Yes, We're getting to know each other a little too well
(Getting to know each other a little too well...)
Boy: “My boss ordered me to take a day-off.”
Girl: “Good job! Maybe you’re not getting enough rest?”
Boy: “I’m haven’t even taken a breather.”
Girl: “And who’s fault is that?”
Boy: “Uh… Eh… Mine hehe”
We have lunch every now and then
Girl: “I’m at starbucks.”
Boy: “Fine, I’m on my way.”
And I find myself humming love songs again and again...
Boy’s buddy: “Where’s my buddy and what did you do to him? He don’t listen to love songs.”
Boy: “Relax buddy. It IS me.”
Too many nights I'm workin' 'till ten
Boy’s buddy: “Bro, time to pack up the booth. You can always hunt for clients tomorrow. ”
Boy: “Fine, fine...”
And I hope that you know that it's hopeless to go on when...
Girl: “This only proves that I’m better than you!”
Boy: “Meh. I’ll always be luckier than you.”
* Laughter ensues between boy and girl.
We're getting to know each other a little too well
(Getting to know each other a little too well)
Girl: “Apparently when I get excited my voice raises and people think I’m screaming at them”
Boy: “Hahahahaha! That I gotta see hehe”
We're starting to show our feelings and people can tell (Ooh, people can tell)
Girl: “Morning =)”
Boy: “Good morning princess =)”
Every time that your eyes meet mine I light up like a neon sign
* Boy looks off at the distance avoiding looking at girl’s eyes
Yes, We're getting to know each other a little too well
(Getting to know each other a little too well...)
Girl: “Morning! =) I know a lot about you now hahaha”
Boy: “I knew those moron teammates of mine would sing like canaries.” =_=;
Inspired by the song “Getting to Know Each Other” by Ariel Rivera
I call you and you call me
Girl: Still up?
Boy: Yeah, sup?
It's funny how we get on so easily
Girl: “Help...” :3
Boy: “… ok, I’m on my way…” =_=;
We're just friends aren't we?
Girl: “Brad, I beat you to the office by 15mins and I already made a round trip through Merville and back at the office.”
Boy: “You do know how life is at the MRT, right?”
* Girl and boy high five and laugh together
You've got yours, I've got mine
Girl: “I’ll introduce you to my boyfriend.”
Boy: “I have no idea why my buddies seek advice from a guy like me who’s enjoying the single life.”
And friends are all we ever could be
Girl: “Do you know what my boyfriend does when he knows he’s committed a sin?”
* Boy laughs at girl’s story.
(But) We're getting to know each other a little too well
(Getting to know each other a little too well)
Girl: “I know you can do it. =)”
Boy: “=) Fine fine, I’ll cook up some magic.”
We're starting to show our feelings and people can tell (Ooh, people can tell)
Boy’s buddy: “Dude, how come you’re always hanging out with her lately?”
Boy: “Hn?”
Every time that your eyes meet mine I light up like a neon sign
* Boy and girl chances upon each other at the hallway; an exchange of smiles ensues
Yes, We're getting to know each other a little too well
(Getting to know each other a little too well...)
Boy: “My boss ordered me to take a day-off.”
Girl: “Good job! Maybe you’re not getting enough rest?”
Boy: “I’m haven’t even taken a breather.”
Girl: “And who’s fault is that?”
Boy: “Uh… Eh… Mine hehe”
We have lunch every now and then
Girl: “I’m at starbucks.”
Boy: “Fine, I’m on my way.”
And I find myself humming love songs again and again...
Boy’s buddy: “Where’s my buddy and what did you do to him? He don’t listen to love songs.”
Boy: “Relax buddy. It IS me.”
Too many nights I'm workin' 'till ten
Boy’s buddy: “Bro, time to pack up the booth. You can always hunt for clients tomorrow. ”
Boy: “Fine, fine...”
And I hope that you know that it's hopeless to go on when...
Girl: “This only proves that I’m better than you!”
Boy: “Meh. I’ll always be luckier than you.”
* Laughter ensues between boy and girl.
We're getting to know each other a little too well
(Getting to know each other a little too well)
Girl: “Apparently when I get excited my voice raises and people think I’m screaming at them”
Boy: “Hahahahaha! That I gotta see hehe”
We're starting to show our feelings and people can tell (Ooh, people can tell)
Girl: “Morning =)”
Boy: “Good morning princess =)”
Every time that your eyes meet mine I light up like a neon sign
* Boy looks off at the distance avoiding looking at girl’s eyes
Yes, We're getting to know each other a little too well
(Getting to know each other a little too well...)
Girl: “Morning! =) I know a lot about you now hahaha”
Boy: “I knew those moron teammates of mine would sing like canaries.” =_=;
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Messed Up
Hello blog. I'm back.
Hn?
So soon you say? Yes, I know you're being sarcastic.
Well, I do have a couple of thoughts running around in my right now. To tell you honestly, I'm quite lost. Do you remember the girl that I told you about in my last blog entry? You remember her right?
Tell me blog. Is it right to be consistently be in touch with her in spite of the fact that she's in a relationship? Being friends, its already there. But personally, she's like a... for a lack of a better term... an addiction...a drug so to speak.
Lately, its getting harder for me to let a day go by without trading jokes or insults with her, or even just to see her and that wonderful smile of hers. With the exception of my two previous relationships, I've been attracted to a number of girls before. But none of them had this much of an impact on me. Yes, she has yet to piss me off bigtime but in her own way, she's already driving me up the wall by just being who she is. She makes no pretensions as to who she really is.
Being around her inspires me to be a better man. Inspired not just in the emotional sense but also by being a better person overall. Without her knowing it, she's challenged me to do much more and to be more in a shorter span of time. I was suddenly challenged out of my monotonous existence by her sudden appearance in my life. It's as if a flood light suddenly lit up to further brighten up a room that already has a warm, relaxed and cozy lighting.
A good buddy of mine here in the office (who knows what I'm going through) said that maybe it's not yet time for me and her together. And what's important at this time is that I have a friend from outside my own sales group whom I can be comfortable with. From an objective and logical standpoint, what he's saying is true. Aside from the fact that she is still in a relationship, I have to admit that I've just began to climb my way up to the skies of success after a very lengthy take off run from my own personal runway.
I also find it funny and pleasantly surprising that in a short span of time, she's entrusted to me a lot of her secrets. Of course, I won't tell what those are since she trusted those secrets to me. I am now her retainer, one of the people whom she trusts and confides to, for better or for worse.
I don't know blog. I don't know what she did to me and I let my guard down just like that. Whereas I was able to at least offer a token of resistance to the previous girls that I was attracted to before, when it came to this specific woman, she literally tore a gaping hole through my armor and pulled my heart out. While she hasn't completely torn it away from my chest, my heart is essentially in her hands now. Of course, my conscience is still killing me for being in this current situation. To quote a phrase from a certain song: "Shall I stay? Or would it be a sin?" Truth be told, I can't really help it being close to her.
Hn?
So soon you say? Yes, I know you're being sarcastic.
Well, I do have a couple of thoughts running around in my right now. To tell you honestly, I'm quite lost. Do you remember the girl that I told you about in my last blog entry? You remember her right?
Tell me blog. Is it right to be consistently be in touch with her in spite of the fact that she's in a relationship? Being friends, its already there. But personally, she's like a... for a lack of a better term... an addiction...a drug so to speak.
Lately, its getting harder for me to let a day go by without trading jokes or insults with her, or even just to see her and that wonderful smile of hers. With the exception of my two previous relationships, I've been attracted to a number of girls before. But none of them had this much of an impact on me. Yes, she has yet to piss me off bigtime but in her own way, she's already driving me up the wall by just being who she is. She makes no pretensions as to who she really is.
Being around her inspires me to be a better man. Inspired not just in the emotional sense but also by being a better person overall. Without her knowing it, she's challenged me to do much more and to be more in a shorter span of time. I was suddenly challenged out of my monotonous existence by her sudden appearance in my life. It's as if a flood light suddenly lit up to further brighten up a room that already has a warm, relaxed and cozy lighting.
A good buddy of mine here in the office (who knows what I'm going through) said that maybe it's not yet time for me and her together. And what's important at this time is that I have a friend from outside my own sales group whom I can be comfortable with. From an objective and logical standpoint, what he's saying is true. Aside from the fact that she is still in a relationship, I have to admit that I've just began to climb my way up to the skies of success after a very lengthy take off run from my own personal runway.
I also find it funny and pleasantly surprising that in a short span of time, she's entrusted to me a lot of her secrets. Of course, I won't tell what those are since she trusted those secrets to me. I am now her retainer, one of the people whom she trusts and confides to, for better or for worse.
I don't know blog. I don't know what she did to me and I let my guard down just like that. Whereas I was able to at least offer a token of resistance to the previous girls that I was attracted to before, when it came to this specific woman, she literally tore a gaping hole through my armor and pulled my heart out. While she hasn't completely torn it away from my chest, my heart is essentially in her hands now. Of course, my conscience is still killing me for being in this current situation. To quote a phrase from a certain song: "Shall I stay? Or would it be a sin?" Truth be told, I can't really help it being close to her.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Love & Schadenfreude: My Happiness at the Expense of Others
Hello blog. It's been a while. How have you been? Let me tell you a tale or two.
Not too long ago, I bid farewell to my past, never to look back again. The funny thing is, shortly after that incident, I chanced upon this wonderful lady. I met her during one of my scheduled manning duties at the mall; a co-worker to be exact (yadah yadah yadah) She's all smiles (as if the previous ones weren't). She's a departure from my usual type of women: mestiza, chinita, you name it (here we go again). Don't worry dear blog, my career and other aspects of my life are going rather smoothly regardless of my current emotional status.
However, what made her different is that aside from being full of life and outgoing, she also happens to be a lady of substance. Right now, I'm simply just enjoying her company; long talks and having a bundle of laughs over a cup of coffee and whatnots. Common sense dictates that I am actually starting to have liking, an attraction if you will, towards her (if I'm not yet already attracted to her). However, there are a few things that will obviously make being closer to her quite complicated. Let me tell you the ways:
1) Different worlds - she's pretty much an uptown girl... while I'm obviously quite the downtown man...
2) Different personalities - different perceptions, different beliefs obviously... and the most glaring of them all:
3) She's currently in a relationship.
Funny isn't it? How comfortable and happy I am when she's around. I don't know if my mind's playing jokes on me or whatsoever but I've been seeing some signs or signals from her. Is it just me or is there really something brewing between her and me? Is it my hopeless romantic side coming out or am I subconsciously just looking for some sort of affection, some form of company that I've been denying to myself all this time?
I for one grew up with my morals straight. I've felt the pain and bitterness of being betrayed. I know how it feels to be at the butt-end of a third party deal... and it wasn't a pretty sight. Now, I am in a position to be the aggressor, the royal wrecking ball hell bent on destroying something wonderful that had already been established all for the sake of my happiness. The thing is, am I ready to give up my morals, my sense of right and wrong, for something, someone who will obviously make me happier than I am now? Am I ready to go down to the level of the very people that I despised, all in the name of my heart's happiness? I do have to admit that its getting rather tiring to do the right thing simply because it's the right thing to do.
Recently, a friend of mine told me this: "There are no such things as morals now. What is important is that you do what makes you happy." Can I really do that? Can I really make myself happy at the expense of someone else's happiness and sanity? Schadenfreude as the intellectuals say. Am I ready for the consequences of my actions if there will be any?
Anyway, this blog entry's gotten too long. I'll have to cut it short for now. Maybe things will be clearer tomorrow or the day after. Unfortunately, things (as far as a cupid-stricken heart is concerned) aren't as simple as that.
Not too long ago, I bid farewell to my past, never to look back again. The funny thing is, shortly after that incident, I chanced upon this wonderful lady. I met her during one of my scheduled manning duties at the mall; a co-worker to be exact (yadah yadah yadah) She's all smiles (as if the previous ones weren't). She's a departure from my usual type of women: mestiza, chinita, you name it (here we go again). Don't worry dear blog, my career and other aspects of my life are going rather smoothly regardless of my current emotional status.
However, what made her different is that aside from being full of life and outgoing, she also happens to be a lady of substance. Right now, I'm simply just enjoying her company; long talks and having a bundle of laughs over a cup of coffee and whatnots. Common sense dictates that I am actually starting to have liking, an attraction if you will, towards her (if I'm not yet already attracted to her). However, there are a few things that will obviously make being closer to her quite complicated. Let me tell you the ways:
1) Different worlds - she's pretty much an uptown girl... while I'm obviously quite the downtown man...
2) Different personalities - different perceptions, different beliefs obviously... and the most glaring of them all:
3) She's currently in a relationship.
Funny isn't it? How comfortable and happy I am when she's around. I don't know if my mind's playing jokes on me or whatsoever but I've been seeing some signs or signals from her. Is it just me or is there really something brewing between her and me? Is it my hopeless romantic side coming out or am I subconsciously just looking for some sort of affection, some form of company that I've been denying to myself all this time?
I for one grew up with my morals straight. I've felt the pain and bitterness of being betrayed. I know how it feels to be at the butt-end of a third party deal... and it wasn't a pretty sight. Now, I am in a position to be the aggressor, the royal wrecking ball hell bent on destroying something wonderful that had already been established all for the sake of my happiness. The thing is, am I ready to give up my morals, my sense of right and wrong, for something, someone who will obviously make me happier than I am now? Am I ready to go down to the level of the very people that I despised, all in the name of my heart's happiness? I do have to admit that its getting rather tiring to do the right thing simply because it's the right thing to do.
Recently, a friend of mine told me this: "There are no such things as morals now. What is important is that you do what makes you happy." Can I really do that? Can I really make myself happy at the expense of someone else's happiness and sanity? Schadenfreude as the intellectuals say. Am I ready for the consequences of my actions if there will be any?
Anyway, this blog entry's gotten too long. I'll have to cut it short for now. Maybe things will be clearer tomorrow or the day after. Unfortunately, things (as far as a cupid-stricken heart is concerned) aren't as simple as that.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
Bittersweet
He walks through the forest at night. His face covered by the hood of his cloak. From a distance, he could hear the sounds of revelry and merrymaking.
“So many happy voices.” He thought.
Stepping out into the clearing, he was greeted by the sights and sounds of an ongoing celebration. A celebration of four hundred years of the place that he once called home. Looking back, he could remember the time he spent there: of learning magic, of learning about life… and finding love.
It’s been years since he’s parted ways with her, the sorceress, who’s magic was a stark contrast to this druid’s darkness. He could still remember her. The touch of her hand, the warmth of her embrace, the sweetness of her voice, the miracle that someone from the light can take into her bosom a man who grew up in the darkness.
He also remembered, when they left the precious grounds of their institution, how the world changed her. How things quickly became different. How different the world outside was. How he and she exchanged blows just to let the other know the pain that each one felt. And how badly he missed her in spite of all that happened. Of how he shortly transformed from a knight into the druid that he is now.
Brushing these thoughts aside, the druid removed his hood, and saw many of his friends, people who he grew up with. And then, he saw her. The sorceress, still a sight to behold as she had always been. The druid adjusted his monocle, not believing that sight that he just saw.
A quick hi and hello and they went on with the festivities. A few jokes exchanged here and there. It was all good but this druid wasn’t at peace. Not when she’s anywhere near him.
Fireworks then ensued to top off the revelry. As everyone bid each other goodbye, the druid took the sorceress off to a distant corner. Looking into her eyes, he began:
“I have to come clean. I know that we’re talking once again and that we’re friends again but there’s something I have to tell you…
I still have feelings for you… In spite of everything that happened. Much as I want us to get back together, I know very well that it’s a near impossibility considering that we’re two very different people now than who we were before. Even though I had another lady that took your place, you’re still the person in my mind… in my heart…and that’s why I ended it all with her… Its because I still see you in her…
You’ve pretty much moved on well into the world. I still have my own story, my own legend to make. I need to move out of your shadow. It may not matter much to you but for me…”
But before he could finish, the sorceress interrupted:
“I must admit that I only see you now as I friend. I try to be friends with who I shared cupid’s magic. In your case, since we were the best of friends before, I thought why not? But if keeping me out of your life will help you move on, then so be it.”
The sorceress then extended her hand to the druid. With much sorrow, the druid summoned all of his might and shook the sorceress’ hand… and then let go…
Turning his back on the sorceress, the druid began walking away to continue writing his own story… and never looked back. As he walked, he put on his hood… to hide the tears as they fell to the ground... In the place where it all started...
“So many happy voices.” He thought.
Stepping out into the clearing, he was greeted by the sights and sounds of an ongoing celebration. A celebration of four hundred years of the place that he once called home. Looking back, he could remember the time he spent there: of learning magic, of learning about life… and finding love.
It’s been years since he’s parted ways with her, the sorceress, who’s magic was a stark contrast to this druid’s darkness. He could still remember her. The touch of her hand, the warmth of her embrace, the sweetness of her voice, the miracle that someone from the light can take into her bosom a man who grew up in the darkness.
He also remembered, when they left the precious grounds of their institution, how the world changed her. How things quickly became different. How different the world outside was. How he and she exchanged blows just to let the other know the pain that each one felt. And how badly he missed her in spite of all that happened. Of how he shortly transformed from a knight into the druid that he is now.
Brushing these thoughts aside, the druid removed his hood, and saw many of his friends, people who he grew up with. And then, he saw her. The sorceress, still a sight to behold as she had always been. The druid adjusted his monocle, not believing that sight that he just saw.
A quick hi and hello and they went on with the festivities. A few jokes exchanged here and there. It was all good but this druid wasn’t at peace. Not when she’s anywhere near him.
Fireworks then ensued to top off the revelry. As everyone bid each other goodbye, the druid took the sorceress off to a distant corner. Looking into her eyes, he began:
“I have to come clean. I know that we’re talking once again and that we’re friends again but there’s something I have to tell you…
I still have feelings for you… In spite of everything that happened. Much as I want us to get back together, I know very well that it’s a near impossibility considering that we’re two very different people now than who we were before. Even though I had another lady that took your place, you’re still the person in my mind… in my heart…and that’s why I ended it all with her… Its because I still see you in her…
You’ve pretty much moved on well into the world. I still have my own story, my own legend to make. I need to move out of your shadow. It may not matter much to you but for me…”
But before he could finish, the sorceress interrupted:
“I must admit that I only see you now as I friend. I try to be friends with who I shared cupid’s magic. In your case, since we were the best of friends before, I thought why not? But if keeping me out of your life will help you move on, then so be it.”
The sorceress then extended her hand to the druid. With much sorrow, the druid summoned all of his might and shook the sorceress’ hand… and then let go…
Turning his back on the sorceress, the druid began walking away to continue writing his own story… and never looked back. As he walked, he put on his hood… to hide the tears as they fell to the ground... In the place where it all started...
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