Yes blog, I'm back. I'm sure you've noticed the sudden surge in the frequency of my blog entries.
This morning, I was at my aunt's place to celebrate Easter. Both of my cousins (daughters of my aunt) are still living with her albeit this time with their respective husbands and kids. It was refreshing to see those little tykes move around and play on such a bright and sunny morning. Their innocence reminded me of days gone by when all I had to worry about was if my Dad was going to scold me for breaking his beloved trophy. Seeing those toddlers play in the pool and under the sun definitely put a smile on my face before I had any idea of what was going on.
And then it hit me. I realized that the princess is also having a nice morning like this, most likely with the presence of her boyfriend. Her boyfriend... the man who has won the princess' heart, a man who has been accepted by her family for the last two years... a man who's not only accepted but definitely a part of the princess' family by now. It's no surprise that they might be having plans about settling down.
Again, I ask myself: can I really go down to the level of the very people that I used to hate so that I may have a shot at my own happiness? Am I willing to become so selfish that I'd go as far as destroying a perfectly healthy relationship? Just because I was denied a long time ago of experiencing something like what my cousins are living at the moment certainly doesn't give me the right to deny other people a similar happy scenario. Granted that I never wanted to do this as revenge for the crap that I went through before, the end result is still the same thing: I destroyed someone else's happiness to further my own.
Common sense and logic dictates that I end it all now with the princess. What better timing to silently slip away than when she and her family are about to go on vacation abroad? But, just like what I said in a previous blog entry, things, as far as a love-struck heart is concerned, aren't that simple.
I'm irritated at myself for not being able to control myself. In spite of knowing that she has a boyfriend, I still couldn't help it being close to her. And yet, at the end of the day, I still end up denying myself of furthering my own emotional happiness. I can't do it. I can never go down to the level of the very people that I once hated. I will just have to live through this painful yet sweet feeling of being so close yet so far from the woman who, unknown to her, now owns my heart. The obvious answer , no compromise for my situation, would be of course to wait for my turn to dance with the princess. But what if my turn never comes? Until the day cupid decides to give me a princess or a queen that I can definitely call my own without any hesitation, I will just have to be content being her knight, a loyal retainer whom she trusts her life and secrets with, and not as her prince - that man whom she definitely gave her heart to at this time.
Perhaps, this is just something painfully sweet that I have to experience so that I may know what the people who I used to hate were going through. Perhaps, after denying myself for so long and looking down on people who allowed themselves to be carried away by their emotions, I also had to experience this so that I may be reminded how it is to be in love and how precious it is.
I know where I stand. I will still stay by the princess' side as her close friend, retainer and confidant. I will continue to stay that way until fate decides to let me have someone to call my own or maybe even have a chance to dance with the princess.
To be able to dance alone with the princess... Such a nice and pleasant albeit near-impossible possibility...
No comments:
Post a Comment