Messed Up

Hello blog. I'm back.

Hn?

So soon you say? Yes, I know you're being sarcastic.

Well, I do have a couple of thoughts running around in my right now. To tell you honestly, I'm quite lost. Do you remember the girl that I told you about in my last blog entry? You remember her right?

Tell me blog. Is it right to be consistently be in touch with her in spite of the fact that she's in a relationship? Being friends, its already there. But personally, she's like a... for a lack of a better term... an addiction...a drug so to speak.

Lately, its getting harder for me to let a day go by without trading jokes or insults with her, or even just to see her and that wonderful smile of hers. With the exception of my two previous relationships, I've been attracted to a number of girls before. But none of them had this much of an impact on me. Yes, she has yet to piss me off bigtime but in her own way, she's already driving me up the wall by just being who she is. She makes no pretensions as to who she really is.

Being around her inspires me to be a better man. Inspired not just in the emotional sense but also by being a better person overall. Without her knowing it, she's challenged me to do much more and to be more in a shorter span of time. I was suddenly challenged out of my monotonous existence by her sudden appearance in my life. It's as if a flood light suddenly lit up to further brighten up a room that already has a warm, relaxed and cozy lighting.

A good buddy of mine here in the office (who knows what I'm going through) said that maybe it's not yet time for me and her together. And what's important at this time is that I have a friend from outside my own sales group whom I can be comfortable with. From an objective and logical standpoint, what he's saying is true. Aside from the fact that she is still in a relationship, I have to admit that I've just began to climb my way up to the skies of success after a very lengthy take off run from my own personal runway.

I also find it funny and pleasantly surprising that in a short span of time, she's entrusted to me a lot of her secrets. Of course, I won't tell what those are since she trusted those secrets to me. I am now her retainer, one of the people whom she trusts and confides to, for better or for worse.

I don't know blog. I don't know what she did to me and I let my guard down just like that. Whereas I was able to at least offer a token of resistance to the previous girls that I was attracted to before, when it came to this specific woman, she literally tore a gaping hole through my armor and pulled my heart out. While she hasn't completely torn it away from my chest, my heart is essentially in her hands now. Of course, my conscience is still killing me for being in this current situation. To quote a phrase from a certain song: "Shall I stay? Or would it be a sin?" Truth be told, I can't really help it being close to her.